Bread (yes, bread)

Common questions intended to produce simple polite chatter with people you don't yet know, like at a dinner party, often have an unintended consequence: an assessment social hierarchy.

"Where do you live?"

"So, what do you do?"

Responses to these and other similar questions send information into the listeners' ears that gets processed as "OK, who is this person, and who is s/he relative to me?" This is normal, and probably impossible not to do.

"Oh, I have an apartment in the upper east side. What about you?"

"I just started a job as a barista at Starbucks. What do you do?"

Therefore, if you like, you can replace these with questions that produce more interesting discussion, generate greater actual connection, and honor everyone for just being human, as opposed one type of human or another. One of my favorites is...

"What is a special memory you have that involved bread?"

Yup, bread. In fact, when you ask this question you'll probably first hear back, "Bread?!" To which you'll answer, "Yes; bread. Assuming you've had bread, what comes to mind that involved bread and was special to you?"

Then pause, because their brains will likely next go into an almost refractory state while searching their cognitive databases for a special experience in their life that in fact involved bread! And then...it will come to them; and they will probably get a little excited as they tell their tale. And, you'll likely enjoy it, as will everyone else who leans over into your conversation. In fact, you'll probably not have to ask anyone else the question, because they'll chime in anyway.

Having asked this question 100s (1000s?) of times, I can offer a few interesting insights:

1. If you ask someone who is in their elder years this question about bread, there's a good chance they will talk about being sent down to the local bakery on a Sunday morning as a kid with enough money for 2 loaves because Mom knew that only 1 would actually make it back home (being that the other loaf would get devoured along the way)

2. There are cultures/countries in which bread is not a common good. For example, I've been lead to understand that for someone who grew up in Korea, I might ask about kimchi instead.

I'm curious: what other questions can you think of that would avoid the natural tendency to sort people out into hierarchical groups AND elicit much more fun and enjoyable conversation that offers you so much more about the person with whom you are engaging?

Let us know!

Chris - Humaniscent